"Fighters’ Kombat: The UFC Meets ‘90s Arcade Chaos (And It’s Glorious)"
- Master Lee
- Mar 1
- 3 min read
A Movie So Absurd, Even Raiden Forgot His Lightning
(Same RUMORED movie with a switch up in casting)
Picture this: Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat walk into a bar. The bartender? Jon Jones, dressed as Shang Tsung, stealing souls (and your credit card info).** This is Fighters’ Kombat: Round 1 & Fatality!—a movie so gloriously dumb, it’s like someone fed a SNES cartridge into a UFC press conference. Let’s break down this masterpiece before it inevitably wins an Oscar for “Best Use of a Shoe as a Weapon.”
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The Plot (If You Can Call It That)
A dimensional rift merges the Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat universes, because apparently, Shang Tsung (**Jackie Chan**) got bored stealing souls and decided to stream Elden Ring instead. Now, Earthrealm’s heroes and Shadaloo’s villains must team up to stop him and Dana White’s M. Bison, who’s just here to yell about “ESPN rankings” while riding a literal war pig. The stakes? Higher than McGregor’s bar tab.
The Cast: UFC Legends Playing Dress-Up
Luke Rockhold as Johnny Cage
“I’m not just pretty, I’m Cage* pretty!”
Rockhold’s Johnny Cage spends 80% of the movie taking selfies, 15% throwing shoes (his “Shadow Kick”), and 5% crying because Ryu won’t follow him on Instagram.
Ronda Rousey as E. Ronda
“I don’t need a man. I need a manager who’ll let me armbar Shang Tsung!”
Rousey’s E. Ronda is a feminist icon who defeats patriarchy and ninjas with equal vigor. Her fatality? A 30-minute TED Talk on gender equality.
Jim Carrey as Scorpion
“Get over here… or I’ll tell your mom you’re late for dinner.”
Carrey’s Scorpion is just a Canadian dad with a chain living in Japan His “hellfire” is actually a stolen kebab grill.
Brock Lesnar as Goro
“I HAVE FOUR ARMS… AND A SENSITIVE SOUL.”
Brock’s Goro is a misunderstood skincare enthusiast who just wants to talk about his feelings (and maybe eat a live elk).
Key Scenes (That Defy All Laws of Physics)
1. The Dance-Off Heard ‘Round the World
Johnny Cage challenges Ryu (Lyoto Machida) to a TikTok dance battle mid-tournament. Spoiler: Ryu’s “floss” move accidentally summons a demon.
2. Buffet Mayhem
Ken (Stephen "Wonderboy" Thompson) tries to shoot a Hadouken, incinerates a shrimp tower, and yells, “THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!”
3. Fatality? More Like Tickleality
Scorpion (Carrey) attempts a fatality on Goro… by tickling him with a feather. Goro laughs so hard, he accidentally surrenders.
4. The Rap Battle Finale
Sub-Zero (Chuck Liddell) drops a diss track so fire, Shang Tsung voluntarily returns to the Netherrealm. Sample lyric: “Your soul steal’s weak, your rhymes are weaker – stick to stealing WiFi, you spectral tweaker!”
Why This Movie Works (For Some Value of “Works”)
Health Bars Exist. Literally. Fighters argue mid-brawl about “cheap AI” when Raiden zaps them.
Post-Credits Scene: Rockhold’s Johnny Cage pitches Fighters’ Kombat 2 to a studio exec… who’s just a cardboard cutout of Dana White.
The Message: Friendship wins! (But only after someone gets suplexed into a volcano.)
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Final Verdict
Fighters’ Kombat is the cinematic equivalent of putting Pop Rocks in a protein shake. It’s chaotic, unnecessary, and will leave you questioning reality. But hey, at least it’s not Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.
Rating: 10/10 flaming uppercuts. Would watch again while eating cereal.
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Call to Action:
Tag someone who’d unironically yell “FINISH HIM!” during a Zoom meeting. And if you haven’t armbarred a demon today, are you even living?
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